Barry Rosenberg

It’s easily the most exciting news I’ve had in the 40 years of living in my “patch of paradise”.

A secret deal, in which I played a significant part, was made shortly after the American election last November, and  more recently the details were ironed out.

And although you may question my aligning with a man I have often claimed to revile (I still do, oh yes), it’s like the old saying: ‘if you can’t beat “em, use ‘em!”

With all the bravado about making Canada and Greenland America’s 51st state, it was really New Zealand Trump and Musk were after.

Not for any underground minerals we might possess, rather as prime “Riviera” vacation spot for those billionaire pals of theirs.

When the phone call came soliciting my help as a US citizen, my first thought was: “Now, hang on a minute mate!”

I’ve become extremely protective of my adopted homeland, you see. Then I reckoned: wait, they don’t need the whole country for such, nowhere near.

Plus, despite its great beauty and delightful pace, my wonderful village by the soon-to-be renamed “Bay of America” has always felt just a tad sleepy for my native big city sensibilities.

Winnie was easy to bring on side: give that man a tiny bit of power and he’s yours.

The other two members of the three-headed clown show were a little tougher to convince, and Trump, who chose to deal with them personally, refuses to reveal what concessions, or threats, he’s made to get them in line.

So, in the year ahead, with the coming of a Walmart’s and Costco, Ōhope is really gonna kick up its heels! (There’s also to be a Trader Joe’s to appease the handful of us organic vegetarian types.)

And, you know how in recent years Jafas and Wellies have bought up properties here, bulldozed the existing houses and erected monstrosity mansions?

Just you wait and see what sorts like Zuckerberg and Bezos create on their acquired landscapes!

Okay, so what’s in it for Rosenberg, you may be asking.

Me, I’ve been granted the position of the 51st state’s head of state.

“What would you like to be known as,” the president wondered. “Governor? Prime minister?”

“Pope!” I replied. He liked that. Loved it, in fact. And now I shall tell you why I, a devoted atheist, chose such a canonical title: As a religious leader, my property now being officially listed as a “church”, I no longer have to pay rates.