Barry Rosenberg

I have this dread: The three-headed clown show running our wonderful land, as has been their party’s history whenever in office, will do everything possible to kiss the King’s formidable afterdeck.

Oh, not that king, the pleasant wee monarch fella over yonder in Pommieland. No, I’m referring to the bloated orange King, mates with Musk, Vlad and the corpulent Korean.

The clown show, according to my dread, will justify their conduct by invoking the magic word, “Trade”.

They did this 13 years ago when the FBI gave orders to the controlling Nats to have New Zealand police dawn-raid the humble shack of that Dotcom character.

Wait – the FBI gave orders to our cops…and…and…we marched in lock step to carry out a foreign power’s orders? Shocking.

The following year (National still holding sway), a fella named Peter Thiel, super-rightwing zillionaire and very close bud of The Man Who Would Be Emperor, visited our shores and spent all of a dozen days here, his conduct so exemplary he was awarded instant Kiwi citizenship. Again, that word Trade was invoked.

Funny thing, though: the promised big-time purchase of NZ-goods? Er.  

So far as trade with them goes, the Yanks have a pretty spotty record when it comes to payment. And now having as lord and master a man who made his billions purposefully and arrogantly screwing small mom-and-pop suppliers, gosh, I just don’t know whether we should be looking to deal with this guy. (Actually, there’s always the faint possibility such conduct of Nats leadership really has less to do with flogging our butter and timber than a drooling scramble for gigs in the United States of Absurdity once their term in office here ends.)

Now, I have this theory. The theory says that we could lock our gates, do no foreign trade whatsoever (well…lowering the drawbridge now and then to folk like Coldplay and various overseas sporting sides) and become totally solvent as a nation.

We could accomplish this state of national wealth, perhaps even regain our long-lost position as third or fourth highest standard of living this side of Alpha Centurion. How? I’ll make it simple:

1. Legalise weed, and
2. Tax the churches.

Was that ear-splitting thunder I just heard? Lightning bolts shooting down from the heavens? Nah, just shrieks of horror from the Christian right; squawks from the alcohol, tobacco and pharma industries, plus a whole lot of shakin’ from gutless politicians.

Now, before there’s resounding 3am pounding at my door and searchlights flooding my bedroom, let me state what I’ve stated before in these pages:

I. Don’t. Smoke. The stinky stuff. Nor do I recommend anyone else to partake.

It’s just that several hundreds of thousands here who do so are largely supplied by organisations which are not quite pillars of society.

Legalisation would place the product under strict government control, thus making weed considerably safer for public consumption, and the massive new flow of income from sales could radically upgrade the quality of our crumbling health and education systems.

And No. 2, making it mandatory that churches (and mosques and temples) pay rates? What do you suppose Jesus would make of the idea?